At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on with his eyebrow raised, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
***
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....
Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'
He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'
'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
***
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach the bed, "Lissin a me. I wanna for you to taka my chroma-plated .38-caliber revolver so you will always a remember me."
The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But Grandpa, I really donna lika guns. Howzabout you leava me you ROLEX watch instead?"
Gasping for air, the old man answers with a snarl in his voice, "Shuddup an a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotza money, a bigga home, and maybea a couple of bambinos."
After a slight pause to catch his breath he continues, "Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then...pointa to your watch and say 'Time's up?'"
***
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their
mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven
advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or
none at all. One student, in particular, was hard
put to think of seven advantages.
He wrote:
1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...
7.) It comes in 2 cute containers.
He got an A
***
Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.
Her mother reassured her; 'Donna worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll taka good care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Donna worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men hava the hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll taka good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Donna worry! All a the good men hava the hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll taka good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'
Her Mama frantically said, 'Staya here and stirra the pasta.'
***
A man comes into a bar, orders a beer and takes out of a bag a tiny piano and a 10 inch high man. He puts the man behind the piano and the little man starts playing. People are amazed!
The owner of the bar offers the man free drinks all evening and at closing time he asks: 'I'm sorry, but where did you get him?'
Well, said the man, I found an old oillamp and when I was cleaning it a ghost came out and told me that I could make a whish.
O, said the barkeeper, do you still have that lamp? Yes, said the man. Could you bring it tomorrow, asked the barkeeper.
I'll do that, said the man.
Next evening the man brought the lamp, the barkeeper cleaned it up and the ghost came out.
You can make a wish, said the ghost to the barkeeper.
I wish a million bucks, said the barkeeper.
Right at that moment thousands and thousands of ducks came flying in the bar, sittiing everywhere.
I don't understand, said the barkeeper, I've asked for bucks, not ducks!
Well, said the man, do you really think I've asked for a 10 inch pianist?
***
A man is walking through the desert when suddendly he finds a Coke bottle. He opens it up, and surprise - a genie pops out of it!
Hello - says the genie. I'm the single wish genie, at your service.
So the man says: Okay, then I'll want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to get along.
-Get real, buddy. These countries have been fighting for five thousand years! And frankly, I'm good, but I'm not that good. Ask something else.
-Well... I've never found the ideal woman. I would like to have a hot, young, faithful woman, with a sense of humor, who likes to have sex, to cook, to clean the house, to watch football, that isn't jealous, and that isn't in love with credit cards.
The genie sighs and say:
-Let me see the damn map again...
***
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said,
'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've
been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat'.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the
living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith .
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed
with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said .
'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith .
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get
the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep
to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith , her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment,
I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up
my
tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
***
woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
'Hi. My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' He replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'
'What's your name?' she asked.
He replied, 'B. J. Titsengolf'
***
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble .
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along…
***
A woman stays out all night, and after coming home in the morning her husband asks here "Where were you all night?"
"I was with a girlfriend," was her reply...
Curious, the man called the phone numbers for 10 of her best friends...
All said the same thing: "No, I haven't seen her!"
So, he decides to teach her a lesson and stays out all night.
Upon coming home the next morning, his wife asks "So, where were you all night?"
"Oh," he says, "I was with one of my buddies."
The wife really couldn't argue with him after the previous night, but she thought it prudent to 'check it out.'
So, she calls 10 of his best friends...
Eight of them swore he spent the night at their house, and two said he was still there!
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the difference between men friends and women friends.
